The Relationship Patterns You Don’t Realize You’re Repeating

I vividly remember the day I stuffed six of my journals into a bag, drove to Starbucks, ordered a latte, and settled into one of those oversized chairs by the fireplace—back when Starbucks invited you to stay awhile. Even now, I feel a pull of nostalgia for those long, unhurried hours in a warm, cozy café.

One by one, I pulled the journals out, each holding a piece of the past seven years. Many tears—and two more lattes—later, I sat there emotionally drained, my eyes aching, my body heavy. Page after page, I read the same story on repeat: heartache, disappointment, and a quiet kind of loneliness. I was married, yet I felt isolated, unloved, unappreciated, and completely unsure of what to do next.

My heart would tell me that the relationship had taken its course. The same scenarios presented themselves again and again, and I always stayed, doing nothing to change anything. I would later go on to eventually divorce my first husband, always referring to that difficult afternoon in Starbucks as the turning point, the time I realized that nothing ever changed. 

How we form relational beliefs.

What I know now, and didn’t understand then, is what would have truly helped me in that moment: the ability to recognize my own unhealthy relationship patterns—the ones I was repeating without even realizing it. When we’re younger, and unfamiliar with the deeper dynamics of relationships, it’s easy to focus on what our partner is doing wrong, or what isn’t working in our circumstances. Rarely are we taught to turn inward and examine our own role.

And so the pattern continues. What we don’t recognize, and what we don’t heal, we repeat—just like history, when its lessons go unlearned.

We form mental frameworks—relational schemas—from our early relationships. They become our beliefs, feelings, and expectations. They work like a blueprint, shaped by what we witnessed growing up, our past relationships, and even the movies and soap operas we watched.

For example, the abandonment schema. A person with this schema fears that everyone will eventually leave them. This can show up as clinginess, leaving before they get left, or even preemptively creating conflict.

How maladaptive schemas hurt our relationships:

• They trap us in old patterns, where we keep recreating unhealthy dynamics.

• They cause misinterpretations, like seeing a delayed text as rejection.

• They have us believing untruths—for example, if you believe everyone leaves,  you may push people away just to confirm it.

• People-pleasing, fear of rejection, and feeling not good enough can lead to overcompensating in everything you do.

• Difficulty trusting can show up as jealousy, a need to control your partner, or an inability to be vulnerable.

• Self-sabotage can creep in when you feel unworthy or unlovable. You may become clingy or avoidant, caught in the push and pull of wanting love but not being able to fully accept it.

  
  

Looking at unhealthy relationship patterns.

We all have unhealthy relationship patterns on some level—but are we able to recognize them? These patterns can show up in the roles we take on, the ways we disconnect emotionally from our partner or ourselves, or the behaviours we fall into without realizing it.

We have the opportunity to take responsibility for our contributions to the breakdown of our relationships—but do we actually know what those contributions are?

When we begin to recognize how we’ve contributed, we gain agency, awareness, and a sense of control.

You could meet the most kind, intelligent, caring, and attractive partner—but until you identify and understand your own unhealthy patterns, you’re likely to repeat them.

Controlling behaviour

• Poor or avoidant communication

• Infidelity

• Carrying unresolved feelings from past relationships

• Becoming overly sexual or emotionally intense too early

• Emotional volatility

• Being overly critical or falling into patterns of nagging

• Codependency or a loss of self within the relationship

• Jealousy or ongoing mistrust

• Disregarding your partner’s boundaries around space, time, or commitments

• Staying in a relationship long past its natural ending

I once worked with someone who couldn’t understand why she kept attracting men who only wanted sex. As we talked more, it became clear that early on—often during the texting stage, sometimes even before meeting—she would flirt in a very sexualized way and engage in explicit conversations about sex. From the outside, it made sense why these men showed up the way they did. That was the version of herself they were introduced to, so they responded to what they believed she was looking for. They never had the chance to see the fuller, deeper parts of who she was.

She wasn’t doing anything “wrong.” She was leading with the part of herself that had learned this was how to connect. And the men responded accordingly.

The truth is, we don’t repeat these patterns because we’re broken—we repeat them because they were learned, practiced, and at one time, they made sense.

But what we learn,  we can also unlearn.

Awareness is where things begin to change. When you can pause and recognize, this feels familiar… I’ve been here before, you create a small but powerful space to choose differently.

Change doesn’t happen all at once. It happens in those small, quiet moments—when you communicate instead of withdrawing, when you set a boundary instead of overextend, when you stay present instead of disconnect. One small step at a time.

You don’t need a different partner to create a different outcome. You need a different relationship with your patterns.

And if you’re finding it difficult to see your patterns clearly, or to shift them on your own, you don’t have to do that work alone. This is exactly the kind of work we explore in counselling and in my group programs—creating awareness, understanding where these patterns come from, and learning how to respond in new, healthier ways.

Because the moment you begin to understand your patterns, you’re no longer stuck repeating them—you’re in a position to rewrite them.

With love and gratitude,

Tannis